The Day OFF. Not so Much.

I totally forgot what a bitch shopping can be until today when I had to haul my ass out of bed (on a holiday) and get going to buy bed linens. God, shopping for bed linens is the most tiring thing ever. Being a self-proclaimed expert on color coordination, its impossible for me to decide what to buy. That's why I had to roam through Georgetown and the Pentagon City Mall the SAME day in my search for the perfect sheets. And what sucks even more is that the sheets that I bought are a size shorter, so I have to go again to Crate and Barrel tomorrow (lovely store BTW) to exchange them for something that actually fits. Anyway, it's funny how I've bought my linens before the actual bed. Ha.

Charles is coming to visit for New Years tomorrow. He is staying with me and I think we're going to make an appearance at JO's party. And maybe Cobalt even later. Who knows!

GayBars

People who goto gay clubs are the scum of this earth. The cute ones are SO stupid and superficial and the not-so-cute ones are the ones that I don't even bother to say HI to.

Too bad I am one of these people who frequent gay bars.

This is sad. I am sad. Thank you Christmas for making me remember how much I HATE gay people and how much I HATE being part of this BITTER and SHALLOW community. Oh, and thanks for making me realize what a fucking circus these stupid gay bars are. THANK YOU!

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays!

It’s that time of the year when it gets really cold but hardly ever snows. The stars hide behind a fog of thick clouds, the tress shed their green and the homeless scurry to city shelters to save themselves from the blinding cold. Other people are either huddled up inside sipping on their lattés or completely covered in warm apparel when outside.

The holidays mean different things to different people. For devout Christians they come with a rising demand for Christmas trees along with a spirit of merriment and togetherness. For Jews they signal the arrival of Hanukah accompanied by religious pride and a sharp increase in sales for Chinese takeout. And for Muslims, like myself, they bring a realization of how different we are from other faiths. And how strange it feels to be in a country which prides itself on the separation of the church and the state but where every business, including Starbucks and McDonalds, close down on Christmas Day.

My concupiscence for a mate increases exponentially every time of this year. I think it’s because the cold winters make me miss the absence of the warmth of another body cuddling with mine. But strangely enough, I don’t feel like that this year. Actually, this is the first time in four years when I feel happy and content being single during the holidays. I think it’s because I’ve spent this year growing and learning more about what makes me happy. Not in a selfish way but in a way where I can also be more useful not only to myself but also to others. Or that’s the idea at least.

I remember how miserable I was this time of last year. Actually, it’s scary to even remember. Attempting a half-hearted suicidal attempt. Gulping numerous Vodka shots every night to free myself from the miasma of a horrible semester. Indulging in random sex or the next best thing, gay porn, every chance that I could. No job, no boyfriend, no money leading to a one-night stand with someone who was HIV-positive. Wow. All I can say is that I’m glad that I am still not the person that I used to be. But I’m sure, judging from my previous much-tamer posts, it’s not that hard for people to believe some of the shit that I’ve put myself through.

Looking back, I’m not sure what brought the change. But I do remember how miserable I felt at the beginning of the year when I finally left DC to return to Charlottesville. At some point I realized how lost I was and how meaningless my life had become. Or maybe how it never had any meaning to it. But like my optimistic side always says, I wouldn’t be the person that I am today if I hadn’t gone through whatever I did yesterday. More specifically, to help become the person that I am, I did whatever I could to make my last semester in college as fruitful as possible. I embarked on a self-improvement program (only using those words after the fact), targeting the mental and the physical, to do the things that made me feel good about myself. I was able to take the classes that I thought I would enjoy, and ended up acing all of them. I was fortunate enough to partake in a self-constructed leadership seminar with a Darden Professor which helped me to access personal goals and rediscover the lost art of reading. I started going to the gym religiously and even starting swimming again even though it was thirty degrees outside (or maybe I was just looking for an excuse to wear my tight half-ass-showing navy blue Speedos). Hell, I even tried therapy, which I personally think was the biggest waste of four hours of my life. Anyway, I did the things that made me truly happy and I tried everything that I thought would help me achieve that goal. And, looking back, because of that semester, I can say that I loved my time at the University. I graduated on a good note with a huge smile on my face. And at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Sorry, don’t want to ramble. I’m saving the sob-reflections for new years. So I’ll just move on to describe this weekend. Or the coming of. Borchini is in town and we went out on Thursday, first to Halo and then to Cobalt. Not to exciting but still somewhat fun. He’s a funny guy even though he looks older every time I see him. And I think he’s growing a belly, ouch. He’s still cute though which still qualifies him to get ass. Anyway, at Cobalt, we met some annoying UVA hag from the Class of 99 and also a really crazy Brazilian-logo-green jacket wearing guy who had just moved to DC from NY. And to top it all, we witnessed the amateur underwear contest, put on by these two tall, skinny and unsightly boys (the underwear contest is held at the club every Thursday night with the winner getting two hundred and fifty dollars). Still, I’m definitely proud of myself for not drinking and still being able to survive in the cataclysm of the club for over two hours. BTW, the hottest bartender I have ever seen works at Cobalt. In fact, this is one of the hottest gay people I have seen in my entire life. And I’m not the only one who thinks that. I don’t think he’s gay though. But if he is, he’s amazing. Another win for the gay community!

Recently, there have been rumors of my celibacy going around. The other day, TD, a ’03 UVA graduate, currently in his slut phase, mentioned that one of his fuck-buddy friends told him that that I was celibate. The rumors are good, in a way. They make people will know what they can get out of me when they me. But then again, I don’t want to be pigeonholed into a certain category. Though, celibacy is not a bad thing it’s still not something that I want to be famous for.

Right now I’m sitting at CyberStop, this gay-café near my apartment, which seems to be the only place open on Christmas Day. I don’t have any plans for the rest of the day and I think that I’ll save myself from the torture from going to Cobalt. Oh, and currently I’m reading the Swimming Pool Club by Alan Hollinghurst. Anyway, like John Mayer says, “I wish everyone a very happy non-denominational holiday”.

Cold City Winters

Eventful weekend, or somewhat.

On Friday I went to an office holiday party with Kim. Kim is a colleague who sits in the same office as I do. BTW, did I mention that I am currently stationed in the corner office with windows. This is because I was shipped to the “other” office because nobody had any use for me in my old office. Anyway, the new office has a nice set of windows, which means that I actually get to see daylight and people walking by during the day. Kind of nice, but not really ‘cause the kind of work that I am doing these days is really crappy. Reviewing folders. And not just a couple of folders but over a thousand folders. Sigh! the sacrifices one has to make to pay sky-high rent and live in this country. Anyway, Kim is really cool, even though she talks continuously, and we spend most of the day bitching about work and the people we work with, which makes the work we are doing somewhat bearable.

So, office party. Yes. It was fun and sort of nice to get to know the people that work with me. Met this really cute guy called John, a UVA alum from 2001 and rumored to be gay, even though he casually mentioned that he had a girlfriend during college. But he didn’t come off as gay maybe because of the facial hair or because he was “trying” to be straight at an event where only two people had endured the joy of sleeping with men (him and I). Regardless, we talked for a while, and that was it. I didn’t want to make any moves, after all, it was an office party. I did drink even though one of my resolutions on turning twenty-two was not to. Yeah, there goes that one. But seriously, I’m trying to pursue my goal of staying perpetually sober because I want to. And want to because I promised myself that I would stop drinkng after college. And that is because of many reasons but mostly because of my inclination for drinking to get drunk. And when I get drunk I get sloppy and sometimes even dangerous. Not going to dwell on that too much right now, but you get the picture.

After spending most of Saturday feeling guilty and hung-over, I went out later that night on a date. Yes, a date. Surprised eh? So am I. Actually I’m not sure if it was a date or not but it felt like one. I went out with this guy from my building who lives on the first floor. His name is Gabe and we met at our landlord Matt’s orgy party. Yeah, you read that right. ORGY party (details later, maybe). The night of the party I was extremely wasted and remember feeling utterly disgusted by the shameless display of sex in front of me. And apparently, on deciding to leave, Gabe was nice enough to walk me back to my apartment, only to return to the party after that (even though he promises to only watch and not have participated). Anyway, we went out to Cosi, which is this restaurant-cum-cafe located on every other block in Dupont Circle. Not too formal, not to casual. Just right for a first date. We ordered our drinks (I had a hot chocolate and he had cider) and engaged in casual conversation in an attempt to get to know each other better. Later I went back to his place but didn't stay that long since nothing interesting was on TV. And thankfully nothing sexual happened, which was good. Only a warm sort-of-uncomfortable hug on my way out.

I had a good time and would like to see Gabe again, but only as friends. I don’t think that I am ready for more. I mean Gabe is cute, intelligent and fun. But I don’t really feel butterflies in my stomach. Or not yet. I’m sure I’ll run into him since we live in the same building. And we’ll just have to take it from there. But yeah, the sparks ain't there.

It’s really cold today. In fact its fucking freezing. Can’t stand outside for more than a minute. It’s going to suck walking home today from work. I’ll just have to suck it up. Or take a cab.

It’s Christmas next weekend and Borchini is coming to town. Again. And then Charles is coming to visit me for New Years. Looking forward to good times.

Hey Shorty It's Your Birthday

Yes it is.

I've been somewhat busy. Also, not very motivated to write. But I think I should say something since I turned twenty-two today. Wow. Twenty two years of life. A beautiful, wonderful, dramatic and lonely life.

First of all, twenty-two isn't a special number. It doesn’t really have any special significance attached to it. It's not like eighteen when you’re young, high-spirited and ready to take the world by its horns. And it's not like twenty-one when everyone in this country is all excited about your ability to drink legally. But in many ways twenty-two is nice just because nobody really cares. Except your family that is. They always care, shown by the plethora of telephone phone calls I got this morning. And it’s nice to realize that they love you that much. It really is, especially when most of your relationships with your so-called friends are unsatisfying and shallow.

This year will be different for me. I can sense it. And to some extent, I can also feel it. I've been wanting to change some things about myself for a while. And that feeling that makes you feel unsatisfied with yourself is getting stronger and deeper everyday. Especially when I go to bed every night. I don’t know why I feel that I’m not taking advantage of the life that I have. Or why the pursuit of pleasure that I see around me is not the way I want to live the rest of my life. And what about happiness? We’ll the other day I heard that a person who only looks for his own happiness in life is selfish. And I think that is somewhat true. But I also think that there are ways of seeking happiness outside of the realm of personal pleasure. For example, helping other people or doing good work at my job always makes me happy. I don’t know. Just some things that are on my mind.

Most of the people at work wished my Happy Birthday. Apparently, Sarah M told everyone, which was nice gesture. Later I had lunch (soup, sandwich and a cookie that she bought for me) with her and we sat together with some other people. I think I am the youngest person in my office. Or at least everyone now thinks so.

There are several things that are on my "to do" list. But I'm not going to spell them out. I don't want to jinx anything. However, the biggest challenge I feel that I'll have to deal with are my relationships. I am still looking for people who I enjoy being with and who are healthy for my well-being. And, in the end, I have to stop letting my solitude get the best of me so as to want to be in the company of certain immoral individuals.

And now some representations:

Representing the beauty of a selfless soul
Representing the innocence of a pure mind
Representing having love and being loved
And finally, representing the wisdom that comes with age