Boys Suck

So, what the hell is up with cute straight boys saying: "If i were gay I'd be totally into you". That just makes me sad and even more bitter. And speaking of bitter, this guy at Cobalt last Saturday was like, "You know you're cute, it shouldn't be hard for you to find a boyfriend". And I'm thinking, is that an insult or a compliment. Does he mean that there's many eligible hot men out there for me, or is he implying that in spite of the hot gay men in DC, I should feel bad about myself 'cause I am still single. Well, thanks anyway for your words of wisdom. Asshole.

All I'm saying is that if he's out there, he'll come to me. Otherwise he can just stay wherever he is and enjoy his sad, lonely, meaningless existence.

Thanksgiving break this weekend. Two days off from work. Should be somewhat relaxing and give me some time for "personal learning". Oh, and Borchini is coming to town. Watch out DC.

Eid Mubarak

It’s Eid. For those who don’t know what that means, Eid can be thought of as Christmas for Muslims. But not really. It’s much better (or supposed to be) because it has meaning attached to it. The festive day celebrates the culmination of a month of self-abstinence via fasting. The day marks the end of a month where Muslims forsake bad for good, television for prayer, alcohol for sherbet, pepperoni for dates, hedonism for charity, and promiscuity for chastity. Correction: forsake only until the sun is shining. After sunset, some Muslims seek freedom from the boundaries of the holy month by continuing to indulge in their pernicious desires. But that is perfectly acceptable, because, according to their interpretations of the Islamic doctrine, they are not breaking the laws of fasting. Either way, Muslims around the world celebrate Eid with their families and loved ones, giving and receiving hugs, money and presents. It’s quite a jovial day, to say the least, or supposed to be.

For some reason, days that are a source of pride and togetherness for my community have only brought me emptiness and bitterness. Eid is no different. Since coming to the States, I’ve never had the chance or taken the opportunity to celebrate this day. In fact I still remember how strange, and somewhat morose, my first Eid in this country was. I was in Bristol Virginia, a southern conservative Christian town with no Muslims or mosques, spending winter break at my suitemate Brandon’s place. It was the first time I had missed the obligatory Eid prayer, a ritual that every Muslim takes great pride in being part of. But it wouldn’t be the last time. I was mindless of the prayer, sometimes from a hangover, during most of my college career. And this time was no different. I woke up Sunday morning, not hung-over, but dressed up in anticipation of my first Eid in this magnificent city. But, after my painful thirty-minute morning walk, all I found were two giant empty tents laughing at my face. On asking some poor bystander where everybody was, I discovered that some holier-than-the-rest-of-America Muslims had decided to celebrate Eid a day earlier in DC. Joy. This is what happens when Saudi Arabia, which is too good to celebrate Eid with the rest of the world, controls the funding to the National Islamic Center in this State. What stupidity. Well, at least, I had the intention of praying. So, maybe I’ll be rewarded for that. Though, serves me right for not keeping a single fast. I should have no right to Eid prayers if I’m not going to fast. Right?

Nevertheless, I called all my Muslim friends, whoever I cared to talk to, so as to offer my greetings. That part of the day was nice. That’s probably because it’ll be the only part of the day that will give me a chance to celebrate Eid. I mean, how else am I supposed to celebrate? I have no family in the country and only a handful of Muslim friends. And all of these friends are busy with their own lives, mostly in other parts of the country. So there you have it. My little celebration. No gifts, no money, no hugs.

There are some things in life that are important to me. Sometimes these are also the things that I try not to care about. I’ll explain. I’m talking about my family. On this day, when the elders of the family are supposed to express their love to the young ones, my sisters didn’t even bother to say hello. Am I asking for too much by expecting a telephone call? Fine, I’ll be understanding. Telephone calls from Pakistan are expensive. But what about E-mail! Bottom line: there is always a way to communicate, but only if you have the will. And sadly my sisters don’t because, not only are they wrapped up in the miserable circumstances of their lives, but they are also extremely selfish. It’s true. I’ve called each of my nephews and nieces on their birthdays this year. And it’s not because I did it to show their parents that I care for their children, but it’s because I do love those kids. And when you love someone you want to tell them or show them how much you love them. And in this case, I neither see nor feel any love. I try to tell myself that my sisters want to call me or talk to me. Or at least I hope they do. But it’s sad to realize their indifference to our relationship and the meaning of family in one’s life.

Last week was somewhat busy. After the unexpected episode Monday night, I got busy with work and recruiting. Oh, and there was this thing Wednesday night. The Litigations and Investigations Practice, which I belong to, went out for a night of bowling to Strike Bethesda, this hip bowling alley in the area. It was fun, even though I embarrassed myself with the bowling aspect of the night, partly under the influence of stiff drinks at the open bar. Most of the people seemed to be really easy-going and fun to hang out with, which is pretty good. Take it from me: the people that you work with can make a HUGE difference to your satisfaction from your job.

The new interviewees are coming up to our office these days for Super Days. It’s nice, getting to know a load of eligible hot young straight men applying for a position at our firm. This Friday, I was acting as a buddy to a cute dorky guy from UVA who was also in some college band. I think he was pretty cool and is going to get high marks, at least from me. The firm could definitely use more cuties, preferably gay ones though. Which reminds me. I have to attend another company dinner tonight for the Super Day tomorrow. Adios.

To date or not to date

Oh my God, do I have a story to tell.

It was a typical Monday at work: investigating stolen laptops, recovering lost work, and suffering personal embarrassment. But who knew that the evening had planned something that I would’ve never imagined. As I walked inside my apartment after work, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had two voice messages. One from this Indian guy, Arvind, who tried to pick me up at McDonalds Saturday night, and the other from David. Ignoring the former, I decided to call David to see how he was doing. David is Adam’s (the guy in Charlottesville who went to school with me and who I despise) ex-boyfriend, who I had planned to catch up with on my arrival to DC. He is pretty cute and is currently a sophomore at American University (AU). David message said that he was in the Dupont area and was sitting drinking at Annie’s, a sketchy gay dinner for old trolls in the area. Somewhat surprised by the chosen venue, I called him back, planning to meet him for drinks, partly to alleviate myself from the macabre events of the day.

As I entered Annie’s, I saw David chatting with the bartender, this old loudmouth woman called CC or JJ. He did look cute though. Or I thought he did, at that time. After all this boy is twenty-one, which is a welcoming change from the older men I am friends with or have dated previously. His cheeks were somewhat swollen, which I later learned was due to a recent wisdom-teeth-removing procedure. They didn’t look that puffed up though and I would’ve never guessed that he had had surgery if he wouldn’t have told me himself.

We started chatting over drinks, discussing our infamous pasts, the lack of datable boys in Charlottesville and the incontinence of the ex-boyfriend, Adam. Apparently, David visited Adam last weekend and had made him cry after telling him how ugly he was. His lack of subtlety could also be due to his disgust at Adam for dating a butcher who works at the local Food Line. Meanwhile, I added my occasional two cents on the ghastly gay life at UVA while sipping on a Vodka-Tonic. Somewhere between his fifth cocktail and my feigned interest, David embarked on a bitter diatribe on the evils of the U.S. educational policy. I tried to debate his opinion and was pleasantly surprised (and somewhat appalled) by his passion to change the world. Then suddenly out of nowhere, like a warm day during cold DC winters, he asked me why I had ever let him date Adam. And before I could reply, he confessed that he had a crush on me since the first time he had seen me (quick flashback: the first time we had met was the summer last year when Adam, David and I were going to gay club called Nation in DC). He told me that he tried to flirt with me that night at Nation, but, blinded by the fidelity towards Adam and other hot gay boys, I had ignored his advances. But the best was yet to come. With utmost sincerity, David told me that the best thing he liked about me was my personality, which is why he had chosen to call me that night, as opposed to some other random twink at AU. According to him, I was different than the other fags he knew because not only was I attractive, but I was also very, “put-together”.

Honestly, I felt really flattered enmeshed in David’s admission of attraction to my personality. Sure people like me for my looks, but it’s the personality that I want them to like. In fact, I TRY to get people to like me for who I am. And I had just found someone who did. And I didn’t even have to try. I was just being myself, engaging in conversation with an acquaintance. Impressed with the virtuosity with which David expressed himself, I played hard to get, saying that there were a lot of things he didn’t know about me and that I, like all people, have a side which is not that attractive (the side that wakes up in the morning with messy hair and unbrushed teeth). But, unabashed, he replied that he wanted to get to know that side. Reciprocating, I said that I also wanted to get to know him better, which was true.

In the spirit of wanting to get to know each other better, David started begging me to go home and cuddle with him. And when I use the word begging, I’m not trying to flatter myself. I’m just trying to put words to his vehement passion for wanting to cuddle with me. Maybe it was the alcohol talking. Or maybe he was suffering from post-wisdom-teeth-removal surgery. Or perhaps he was just really lonely. I tried to decline his invitation, but he kept on insisting. In fact, he was really persistent and those sick puppy-dog eyes were making it worse. Realizing that my excuses were not working, I walked with him to my apartment, packed my toothbrush and office clothes, and rushed to catch the metro train that would take us to his apartment.

On reaching David’s apartment, I made small talk with his straight roommates, who were watching television while feasting on homemade pasta. They seemed really nice though and were fine with David’s sexuality. But would they be fine with him bringing a boy home, I wondered. Well, I was going to find out. I was pretty hungry myself since we had skipped dinner for drinks. But, because it was late, every food place in that part of town appeared to be closed. Defeated, I headed to his room, which he shared with one of his roommates. Feels like I’m back in college, I thought looking around, stuck in what sort of looks like a dorm-room. We closed the door to his bedroom, changed into our pajamas, and started making out.

Before you start judging me, let me say that the only things we did all night were kiss and cuddle. Being together in the same bed was, well, nice and somewhat comforting. It feels good to be next to someone who can ignore his erection and concentrate on the guy lying next to him. This is probably too much information, but I love it when someone falls asleep with my around circled around them. I guess watching a boy using my arm as a means of support affirms my manhood while giving me a complete sense of control. Which, if i dare to say, is sort of nice.

Anyway, we soon fell asleep amidst the warmth of the blankets and the faint intonations of David’s roommates. However, we did wake up in the middle of the night, on the call of our erections. Thankfully, we didn’t really do much, other than dry-hump. Soon, panting from my tiresome nocturnal upheaval, I rolled on my back to return to my blissful slumber.

I woke up around six-thirty and looked outside to see the morning sunrise through the bedroom window. I rubbed my eyes and rushed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wear my contacts. Once I came back to the bedroom, David was waiting with a clean towel and a hot pot of coffee. Wow, this guy must really like me, I thought. I grabbed the towel and quickly shaved and showered so that I could catch the seven-thirty shuttle to the metro station. Once I finished, David was sweet enough to insist on accompanying me to the metro station. I, thankfully, accepted his offer since I didn’t want to be late for work, which was a very likely since I didn’t know my way around his neck of the woods. And deep down inside I kept on telling myself that the only reason he was wanted to accompany me was because he wanted to experience thirty degrees of DC winters and not because he had a crush on me, or worse wanted to be boyfriends.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. David is a really nice guy, and there is no reason why I shouldn’t continue to date him. But something tells me that it’s not right. He’s not THE one. I don’t know what the problem is. And it’s really hard for me to explain it. I mean he’s really nice, but he’s TOO nice. Maybe that’s the problem. And he’s also somewhat immature. After al, he is a sophomore in college and I’m already working and sort of onmy way to being completely independant. He’s definitely smarter than my ex but not by a lot. Sure he can debate and seems really passionate about his interests but neither he not his arguments don't seem to be…well...put together.

Oh, and did I mention that he’s also on some antidepressant. That’s a definite no no when it comes to dating, don’t you think? BTW, while we’re at it, what’s up with all these gay guys on antidepressants? It’s such a cop out, I think, trying to find happiness through medication. Anyway, David’s on some antidepressant which is not very unattractive. And speaking of unattractive, I wasn’t very stimulated by his looks this morning, when he was wearing a baseball cap (to cover his messy hair), dorky spectacles, an AU sweatshirt and checkered pajamas.

Plus, he has roommates. I mean if I continue to sleep at his place, what are they going to think of me? That I sleep around? That David and I are boyfriends? I just think that I can’t cross the line again, or until I am ready to make a commitment to this boy. And I can’t commit to him until I know he’s the one. But I won’t know if he’s the one until I get to see him more often, which means going on more dates and sleeping together some more. What a vicious cycle. God.

Again, I don't know why I do this to myself. I meet someone who would be awesome to date but I'm feeling iffy about it only 'cause I have issues. And then I spend the rest of the year brooding over why I don't have a fucking boyfriend. Jeez. I HAVE ISSUES.

Or, maybe I'm just looking for someone who is perfect. Someone who likes me for my looks and personality. Someone who will blow me away the first night after we sleep together. Someone who is, well, adequate *grin*.

Office Theft

What the hell? I come to my office Monday morning to find my precious laptop disappear surreptitiously over the weekend. WHO DOES THAT! Obviously, I was completely shocked by this vile act of maliciousness. The funny thing is that my computer was locked, meaning that it was chained to a lock that wraps around my desk. Again, I am baffled. Who would do something so despicable and heinous? It’s disgusting. I mean stealing inexpensive stuff, such as pens, underwear and food, as a means of last resort is fine. But zapping someone’s computer is a completely different story. And what about all the data that I could’ve had, which could’ve been used to blackmail out clients and put my firm in a lot of shit. *shudder*. Well, at least I am not the only jackass who left his laptop sitting on his desk. One of the directors also suffered the same fate after leaving his machine in his office over the weekend.

Anyway, so now I have a replacement, which is actually sweet. In fact, it’s a better laptop: Dell Latitude D600. And better as in higher resolution and faster processor. Nice eh? But I’m still pissed off at the person who pinched my machine to serve his own selfish purposes.

This weekend was somewhat fun. I’ll write about it later, perhaps tonight or tomorrow morning. Write now I’m just really pissed off at the laptop thief. Laptop theif: May you suffer inexorably for your cardinal sin.

America has spoken

America has spoken: Gay marriage is more important than war, thanks to the old, uneducated, inbred, bible-thumping Southerners and Mid-Westerners.

If you look at the electoral maps you can easily decipher the pattern behind the now impending, probable, Bush victory. The majority of the states, with the exception of Florida have the lowest populations, lowest incomes, lowest population densities. They are isolated and disconnected from the rest of the country and the rest of the world. They are, in fact, Bush's psychological reflection. They are the fearful isolationists, the under-educated mass. The protected naiveté, those who can shout loudest and will always pay the least, because they have the least of all to lose. Just like their pal, Bush.

Well that's that America, have fun with this one. Should be an interesting four years. The better question is what comes next? Who is the next vicious idiot? Think about that while I go join the angry demonstration of hippies and faggots rooting in Dupont Circle.

The wolf behind America's current account deficit

Because Asian currencies have been held down against the dollar, America's current-account deficit has continued to swell, reaching almost 6% of GDP in the second quarter.The dollar is already below most estimates of its fair value against the euro, but it will need to undershoot if the deficit is to be reduced. Economists at UBS estimate that the dollar's trade-weighted value might need to fall by another 20-30% to trim the deficit by enough to stabilise the ratio of America's external liabilities to GDP. Though it might seem unthinkable, that could imply a rate of around $1.70 against the euro (currently $1.28).

Supporting a deficit is a dangerous way to run the world, for it encourages both China and America to pursue reckless policies. Excessive liquidity is causing the Chinese economy to overheat. Meanwhile, by buying Treasury bonds, Asian central banks are subsidising American borrowing costs, encouraging more consumer profligacy, and so allowing the current-account deficit to get even bigger. The inevitable correction will then be all the more painful.

Until recently, some argued that America's current-account deficit was sustainable because foreign investors were eager to buy American assets to take advantage of the economy's faster productivity growth and hence its higher returns. But private inward investment has slumped, leaving America dependent on foreign central banks. And foreign savings are no longer financing investment and hence future productivity gains as they were in the late 1990s. Foreigners are now financing consumption and government borrowing.

America's current-account deficit largely reflects puny domestic saving, so dollar bulls often argue that a fall in the dollar is neither necessary nor sufficient to trim the deficit. But Stephen Roach, chief economist at Morgan Stanley, reckons that a weaker dollar would spark a rise in real bond yields, as foreign creditors demanded extra compensation for currency risk. That would slow consumer spending, boost saving and reduce the deficit.

In the three years from 1985, the dollar fell by 50% against the other main currencies. Inflation and bond yields rose and, in October 1987, the stockmarket crashed. America's current-account deficit is now almost twice as big as it was then, so the total fall in the dollar—and the fall-out in other financial markets—could well be larger.