God..

Dear God,

If you exist, please let me never visit another gay bar ever again. Why do I torture myself? Am I a masochist? I am completely aware of the fact that gay establishments are for the weak-hearted, people who are bitter, or just want sex, or who wanna talk about things I don't give a shit about. Then, why do I go? I don't wan't another guy to tell me I am cute. And I know that I don't know a lot of people in this new city, and that I'm lonely. But seriously, who do I expect to meet? The love of my life? Or my future ex-boyfriend? Am I THAT sad and lonely?

I just spend a night out with Gleason and South-African Kevin at JRs and Halo (DC gay bars). I really don't want to waste time and words to describe my evening. Sure it was entertaining and what not. Just like every time. But fuck that, who cares? The more I drank, the more I felt empty. And sad. And bitter. This are the exact same feelings that I wanted to escape when I came to this country. The feeling of biterness and loneliness and emptiness. It's the worst thing ever, I swear.

It feels nice to be back in my appartment though.

Why the hell do I even bother? SO, I see someone cute, and then? THEN WHAT? Do I want to go up and talk to him? NO. Do I want them to talk to me? No, not so much. Do I want to talk to someone who I think is not attractive? NO. What do I want? I don't know. Well I do now. A nice cute loyal boyfriend. Someone who I don't have to pretend to make conversation with, someone who I fall for just by talking to, and him wanting to get to know me, and him taking the initiative to form a bond between us. Something formed as a result of the physical AND the mental. Something that comes as a result of getting to know each other through conversations had and time spent. Looking deep within each other's souls, and hearts. Mutual love. And, obviously, these are things that I won't find at gay bars.

Someone like..um..Alexi? Someone who I will probably never meet in my life. Someone who is a figment of my imagination. Someone who can only be a ghost, a specter, an illusion. But then it would suck even more to fall for someone who doesen't exist cause the love would never be returned.

God, I want to fall in love with you. I mean it. If I can't have another person love me the way I love them, then at least I can try to love You the way You love me. At least, that way I'll know that I died loving someone who loved me back.

And I'm gonna say one more thing, before I leave:

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
You will see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

P.S: If you read another post involving me going to a gay club, PLEASE strike me with lightning so as to remind me of the fountain of my misery.