PhoneCall from an old acquaintance

It's really strange when a friend from high-school, who you've not talked to in more than two years, calls you, and in the middle of a friendly chit-chat, inquires about your sexual orientation.

What do you say? Straight, gay, bi or it's none of your goddamn business.

With some hesitation, I choose to answer his imprudent question with one of the above responses. But the conversation was far from over. I had failed to satisfy his insatiable curiosity, because with extreme solicitude, he replied "you know you're going to get your ass-raped if you go back to Pakistan".

I didn’t know what to say to that. I wanted to thank him for revealing himself as GOD and painting such a wonderful simulacrum of my expected-to-be-life. Instead, I managed a weak response saying that, though small and underground, the gay-scene in Pakistan was very much prevalent, particularly in Karachi.

But, just like the sucky debater that he was in high-school, he replied that Karachi was a completely different story because it was really liberal. To which I peremptorily replied, “Yeah I'm not worried, I'll find the gays even if I have to live in Peshawar” - the ghetto province of the country responsible for the origination of fair-skinned, foul-smelling, generously-endowed, sexually-questioning men, also called Pathans.

After ridiculing my comment, the conversation meandered towards the blatant extrusion of my drinking habits, discussing the advantages of living in a suburb over a city, and him boasting of attending some Miss India-America pageant that was being contested in some cheap hotel while he was visiting DC. "Man, the desi chicks in DC are so...ooooo hot and friendl..llly", he gushed.

Just one more thing before I end this post. God, please please help me fight the urge to answer calls that my phone refuses to identify. Please don't let me make this mistake ever again. And I promise, on my sexuality, that I’ll never think about another Pathan for the rest of my life.